You Only Get One Liver...

Thursday, June 19th - 12:36:18 PM
by Alan Smithee

I'm probably shutting the old DtW down soon. Any readers may have noticed that there haven't been many updates in the last year or two. With Howard getting married recently, I figure I'll have even less reason to get out and carouse.

I'll miss the three of you who read this. Alan.

Sunday, April 2nd - 07:12:33 PM
by Alan Smithee

Many updates are a coming to you. However, I have to post this verbatim. There will be so little for me to add except to say up front that I have a mouth like a sailor, and I've never thought of some of these. Enjoy. The following come from the back of a coaster plopped down on the table at a bar I visted in Vancouver. They are reproduced here plus a little capitalization from me.

Mr. Bendy. Admiral Winky. Old One-Eye. Stubby Magee. Pepito. The Tickle Pickle. The Sperminator. Fireman Fred. The Big Baguette. Professor Peepers. The Bald Avenger. Captain Howdy. Slim Jim and the Twins. Mister Hoo Hoo Esquire. Purple Helmet Warrior. Colossus. The Cyclops. Handy Andy. Excalibur. Ding-a-ling. Jojo the Circus Clown. Bubba. Tallywacker. Pjagwen. Tube Steak. The Stainmaker 2000. Jimmer Jammer. Ass Master. Mary Maker. Dong. Chicken Baster. Jack Hammer. Butt Pirate. Boi Toy. Mighty Anaconda. Bagpipe. Baloney Pony. Super Soaker. Bluenose 8. Rectum Rooter. Cruising Missle. Crude Pump. Flesh Flute. Ji Ba. Skippy. Blow Pop. Creamsicle. Peg Leg. Fuck Puppet. Hairy Houdini. Love Pump. Chin Chin. Pitote. The Milkman. Lawda. Crotch Rocket. Pyjama Python. Spurt Reynolds. Doughnut Holder.

Whew. That's a fucking list. The front of the coaster said:
"Whatever you call it, thanks for keeping it safe.
GayMenPlaySafe.com"

Obviously, a different type of bar than I normally frequent. Stories and reviews forthcoming. We had a good time celebrating Randy Randy's birthday that night even if it was low key.

Personally, I'm a fan of Jim and the Twins. Alan.

Monday, March 6th - 09:48:53 PM
by Alan Smithee

I know that I don't post enough here, but life has been kicking me in the ass. I'll get my shit together... trust me. I'm Alan Smithee.

One day, I'll enjoy my job again. Alan.

Monday, December 5th - 09:30:36 AM
by Alan Smithee

I swear that I'm going to add a review for the Liberty Taproom. I promise. I'll get around to it. But I have to talk about Effen vodka, nerdcore hip-hop, and warn you about the New Brookland Tavern first.

First up, Effen vodka. No, this is not prudish sensibility. This is Effen vodka. Not to be confused with fucking vodka or a fucking bottle of vodka. This is Effen vodka. Click on the linkee. It's really good vodka. I bought it because the little Korean lady at the ABC store wanted to sell it so bad. And she can't even prnounce the name. (For those not in the know, there is no 'F' or 'V' sound in Hangul, the Korean alphabet.) She kept telling me that Eppen Bodka is really good. It is. It's clean and crisp. It's a worthwhile vodka. Plus, come on, the name. Think about shouting this out. YO! GIVE ME A DRY EFFEN MARTINI WITH A TWIST! You aren't even being rude. You're just calling your liquor.

Er, so, the New Brookland Tavern. Don't go there unless you have to. It sucks. I'll leave off on that as far as editorializing on the location. I was at the place to hear MC Chris perform. Since this is not a music review site but a bar review site, I shall place my review here.

So, the tour was the Revenge of the Nerds tour. It's cool, I'm a nerd by day, player by night. The opening act was The Ergs. These are some musically talented guys. Their bassist has some awesomely nimble fingers the likes of which I haven't seen recently. They also suck. Musical talent aside, I didn't like their music, they didn't interact with the crowd well, and someone needs to tell their guitarist that the headbanging, grunge image was cool in the nineties, not now.

Second lead-in act, was SNMNMNM. I liked these guys. They worked the crowd. They got a good vibe going. Plus, instead of a bassist they have a tubist, or whatever you call that. It's a fucking tuba on stage. Not a sousaphone, a tuba. Rock on. I'd go see these guys again because they were a lot of fun. Their music wasn't particularly memorable, but you go to shows for the show, not necessarily the tunes.

Which brings us to Chris. I want to say really good things. I love MC Chris, but this show was a disappointment. I don't really blame him; I blame rhinovirus or perhaps norovirus. Chris was really sick. He was coughing and having an asthma attack on stage. I saw him hit the albuterol abut 6 times in the first thirty minutes. That's bad juju, kids. I have asthma too, and I felt for him. So, I give him really huge props for coming out and performing when he really couldn't and didn't want to. On the down side, he was lip-synching and it was obvious. It kind of happens when you can't breath. I left about two-thirds of the way through his set a bit let down. I'll go see him again sometime if he tours again. I'll buy his next album, but my show experience was not so good.

I'm a sad panda. Alan.

Thursday, November 17th - 04:20:32 PM
by Alan Smithee

But that's not the point of this post. This post should be titled, "Do I Look Stupid, or is it Just You?"

So, this dude,Rico, from PAI something or another stops by as a contractor of BellSouth trying to "optimize" my phone bill and save me some money. That seems really reasonable, so I give him a listen. I work from home so I'm sure the company will appreciate it if I could cut the phone bill down. That's less money they have to pay every quarter. Good times.

We look at my bill. I'm paying about $90 a month for two lines and some long distance. It's a lot, but I believe in having a land line for emergencies. I've missed too many calls on cell phones plus the second line is used for work. Looking at the itemized long distance charges, we see that I spent about $5 on long distance in this particular month. Pretty cheap. I've got a nickel a minute plan. The way I see it, there isn't a lot of fat to trim in this bill. So, Rico suggests a flat rate unlimited long distance plan for $25. Now, I'm not a mathematician or anything, but that's about five times as much as I'm spending now. I ask Rico how he thinks that's a good idea. "We're just trying to get rid of that fluctuation."

Apparently, people fear fluctuation. Alan.

Tuesday, September 20th - 10:22:13 AM
by Alan Smithee

Here it comes, kids. I'm typing. It's just going to gush out.

First off, I added a review. Yes, a review. You can review the review by clicking here. Mind you, it's in Columbia, but you can come visit me. Yes, you can come visit me. I promise to clean up the guest bedroom if you're coming.

Second, In Living Color. That's right, you remember the show. You perhaps remember it fondly. If you do, don't rent the DVDs. You may wonder why I say this since Howard is, in fact, named after one of the members of Funky Finger Productions. Hell, Clavell, is an alias for my email. BAM! Alas, seeing the show through adult eyes in the year 2005 reveals some issues.

First off, what the fuck is up with SW-1? He's up on the turntables like he's mixing, but there's only one song that he plays. You know the intro song. It's not like he's scratching that shit up. No, Heavy D just sings it. SW-1 stands there and acts like he's a DJ. You're not a DJ, Shawn. You're just fronting!

Second, most of the material is not funny. It's just not funny. Fashion Tampons? Not funny. PMS Defense System? Not Funny. Head Detective? Not funny. Fire Marshall Bill? Meh, I chuckled once.

Now, some of the material is funny. Anton Jackson, the homeless guy, is still fucking hilarious. Men on Film ages pretty well. The guy in jail that uses the incorrect large words. Oh yes, I believe I masticulated my mandibula when I congestified on the humunculousity of the verbosity. But, what do all these have in common, Damon Wayans. That's right, Damon Wayans. He's the reason you watched the show. Just keep that in mind.

Of course, I laughed at Funky Finger Productions sketches and they didn't have Damon. Alan.

Thursday, August 25th - 03:46:18 PM
by Alan Smithee

Here are some questions that I have in no particular order.

Why do the paramedics in South Carolina drive motorcycles? Is it just me, or is it odd that they ride the most dangerous form of conveyance commonly in use to respond to accidents? You roll up into the accident site, spill on the bike, and now you need paramedics for the paramedics.

Why haven't you read my review of The Whig? It will save you the pain of going there for anything other than lunch.

Why haven't they made Weekend at Bernie's 3? I mean, come on. The first two movies are fucking classics. Bernie is still alive and kicking it. He needs good roles.

Where should I go out to this evening? Alan.

Monday, August 8th - 08:47:48 AM
by Alan Smithee

So, Alan Smithee disappeared for a short while. All seven of you who read this page with any degree of regularity may have been wondering what happened. Well, I got married and bought a house. Son of a bitch! No one tells you all the shit you have to do with those two things. The grass needs mowing. Blinds have to be installed. Your washer and dryer break. It never ends. To top it off, no one has been taking care of your yard for the weeks between agreeing to buy the house and the actual closing. That means that you have massive weeds in the backyard somewhere. I bought a gallon of Round-up yesterday. I intend to PURIFY that shit sometime next weekend.

Now, about my drinking habits. I'm back. I'm tired of sitting around being Dan all the time. Dan is cool, but we need some more Alan. How do I know this? I got a wake-up call. I was up in Raleigh for the weekend taking care of some business. There was a black belt test, and I had a few former students who needed a kick in the head... with love. Anyway, I went out drinking and dancing with some friends. I had a blast, and I asked myself. Why haven't I been doing this in Columbia? I don't know. There's no good reason. Ergo, I must start doing it again. To kick this shit off, I will be out at the Flying Saucer tonight to drink some beers. Get your ass out there to hang out with me. I will be starting early. We'll say just before 9PM. Be there.

While I was out last week, I asked Mikey how to make this drink. Try it out on your lady, or on yourself if you're a lady.

It's a damn fine drink, too. Alan.

Friday, May 13th - 03:43:08 PM
by Alan Smithee

Nine-Fingered Niles has been found.

I may go drinking tonight to celebrate. Alan.

Wednesday, May 4th - 11:45:34 AM
by Alan Smithee

But first, I bought a house. Check it out.

Now, about Golden Dragon. I will be dining there this evening. Golden Dragon on Hillsborough Street is most known for its ability to deliver way too much food for $5.95. In fact, it often prompted comments like, "Dude, no one can finish all the food from Golden Dragon in one sitting except that dude Saul; He can eat a lot." Also important to note is the high ratio of grease to vegetables in that there are very few vegetables and almost everything is fried. I freaking love this restaurant. Golden Dragon is often used in analogies. Golden Dragon is to any other Chinese restaurant as McDonalds is to a steak house.

General Tso here I come. Alan.

Brought to you by Alan Smithee and Howard Tibbs, III. For more information, email us at alan.smithee@drinktheworld.com or howard.tibbs@drinktheworld.com

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